A legend is whispered up and down the coast, in hidden black rooms lit by lava lamps and filled with the sound of fuzz music "You see, there was this guy..." most accounts begin, and after that the tales weave, stumble and zigzag over an amazing variety of bizarre, twisted events. only a few coherent threads exist to be followed through and verified.

Federal Communications Commission records indicate that a clandestine "preacher" has broadcast twisted messages over many small stations. He went by many alias: Lassiter Wombley, Rev. Hal Lindsley, "Your Friend" Kalisto, etc. Voice prints indicate these personalities to be one rogue individual (A.E.C. Reg. 76-139, 94475-666, subsection (b) to & 35, and the sentence to & 36, 11-03-83 through 04-01-90).

The Federal Trade Commission now has 42 investigations initiated bycomplaints by city councils about a charismatic "Cyborg of God" who promised salvation for a price, then took the proceeds and disappeared. During these episodes it was observed that roving youth gangs started wearing jump boots and bulletproof vests with a priest's collar. Their warcry was "Deny Everything!" After one violent rampage the gang leaders admitted that their insanity was the result of instructions from "Vitito Tarantule," a popular radio evangelist, known as the "lounging archpope." His garbled message resulted in the bombing of several tanning salons.

What is remarkable is that while traveling through the desert these poor youngsters profess to hearing "Tarantule's" voice on one radio station, and , as the station faded away and was replaced with another it was with wonder that one could hear again Tarantule's voice on the new station! And those who do not speak English understand the message just as well. The F.B.I. lawyers refuse to make public the audio tapes, citing national security.

The Roman Catholic Church is equally reluctant to release information, but copies from its archive show that a "Vito Tarantelo" was excommunicated from the Washington, D.C. diocese in September of 1983. No details were given. One novitiate overheard them refer to Tarantelo as the Forsaken Warrior Healer.

This reporter must end this investigation as he began it -- in confuson. The name St. Vitus Tarantula invokes fear and awe in those who touch the mystery. Perhaps we should not know more. Either we are dealing with aliens acting under one personality or maybe no-one at all, just the product of this society's repressed subconscious. I recommend to the committee that we recess for a stiff drink and two fistfuls of strong sedative. Let's crawl back into the hole of ignorance. Virgin brains. Yeah, Goodnight. BLAM!